I'm sick

and tired.
I think that is why I haven't been writing.
I feel crappy. I have a cold (okay that is only for the past two days). But I just want things to stop dragging on. I am tired of whining about the same ole stuff. I bore myself.

Nora:I love you but I need a fucking break.
While I'm at work I can't wait to get home and see her, once I'm home it takes 10 minutes before I'm fantasizing about bedtime...hers and mine. I feel drained of everything from money and time to patience and intelligence.

House:I love you but your not mine. And so all the work, sweat, and money I put into you ultimately make me feel cheated. I look around you and see beautiful things, but I also see all the compromises, the overrulings, and I'm afraid I'll never feel really at home.

Friends: I love you all, but stop living so fucking far away. I want to see you whenever I want or at least be in the same time zone.

Wah, fucking wah

Evenings with The Goffin/Schumachers

Peek into ABS bathroom
Originally uploaded by jegoffin.

Last night I painted and Alec and his dad laid subflooring and bamboo flooring. Really no different from any number of night from the last few months.
We're moving along, blah, blah, blah.
It'll be done before we know it, blah, blah, blah, except I'm pretty sure I'll know when it is done.
I've uploaded some pictures of the unexciting adventures of house construction. It's one of those things that is only interseting to the people involved and maybe close friends and family.
Nora is coming along nicely, I swear she learns fifty new words a day. She is nearly two though, and whining and screaming in the middle of Restoration Hardware is quite common.
Sesame Street is over and so is my alloted blogging time. Bye.

Living Room, sorta

Living Room, sorta
Originally uploaded by jegoffin.

For Christmas I got a sofa, a rug, and a rocker.
Alec and his dad finished the floor on Friday and on Saturday we went to Donze, where all our furniture and other crap is stored. More than anything, I wanted my sofa. So we somehow muscled it up onto Vic's subaru roofrack, tied it down to within an inch of it's life and drove 15 mph with the hazards on. Where there is a will there is a way. We sit over there for a few hours a day and dream about living there someday.
I really want our kitchen cupboards to come in though. They were supposed to be in on December 23, but sur-fucking-prise they are now due on January 9. I hate that (insert derogotary term) woman from the design store. Anyway, the progress is continuing.
Today, Nora and I are going to join the hordes of post-Christmas shoppers, she needs to be trained from early on to keep up...
FYI, no christmas cards were sent out this week. But if your reading this blog, you already know what is going on with me and have seen pictures of us anyway, right?

Beleaguered

Paint colors
Originally uploaded by jegoffin.

I'm so sick of this.
I want to live here, instead of work here.
Soon.
We've been saying that for a year
and a half.
February 1st now NO MATTER WHAT.
That was Nora's due date.

Painting Walls

I spent most of the weekend painting walls and ceilings. It is like nothing I've ever felt before. I mean, duh, of course I've painted walls and ceilings before. Anyone who has seen our apartments will know that I paint. But those were pre-existing walls, walls that had seen other inhabitants, other lives. I painted them to make them mine, not theirs. But these new walls...they've been mine since before they were born. Their placement, their construction, have all been in the service of my family. Painting the ceiling detail that Vic knew in his head and we all went along with, knowing that I'll be starring at that ceiling for a long time, well. So, I am enjoying every blister, every dollop of paint in my hair, on my face, and all over my clothes. This is going to be my "for real" house. Holy Shit.

Make up test

There is a chance to redeem yourself if you did poorly on my quiz. The link is to the right and down.

Ceiling detail

Ceiling detail
Originally uploaded by jegoffin.

This is the living room ceiling. I couldn't really picture it when it was in its early stages, but wow, I love it now. The drywalling is completely finished, except that they left the scaffolding behind so that we could use it to paint this ceiling. I still need to buy the paint, maybe today. Except that it is raining and doing with errands with a toddler is hard enough without rain.
Things really are coming along though, I've been priming for all I'm worth. Anytime now we can put in the flooring and and and....
Nora is feeling better, except I noticed that she has a rash all over her back, but I can't think of anything different she has eaten. She is just so big, I honestly can't beleive it. She still has the body of a toddler, but every once and a while I get a glimpse of her girl body, in her movements and facial expressions. And her taste in bad tv is coming along nicely, well she is my daughter. She has her Little Einsteins and I have my Breaking Bonaduce.

Fevered

Nora has a fever. It all started on Monday; she woke up from her nap with a fever.
That evening, she resembled a warm cookie. She was lethargic and quiet, I know I should feel bad for her and I do, but it is damn nice to have your toddler be cuddly. She is normally going warp-speed from 6:00 am until 7:00 pm, with a brief break from 11:00 until 1:00. So, watching TV with her sitting on my lap for an hour is a real treat. Yesterday, she seemed better in the morning and we even went to play with Marc and Betsy, but by the time I got home from work, she was feverish again. This morning she seems okay. Here's the thing, I'm not all that concerned about her fever. I mean, you know it happens and what is the pediatrician going to tell us that we don't already know? Give her some tylenol and wait it out, unless it gets dangerously high, of course. But, I am not behaving as most first-time moms. Nonetheless, I do feel confident in my instincts that she is going to be fine. I think.

Building a house is hard

Especially when there are four people involved and I am used to getting my own way.
Every decision has to be run through the committee, consisting of Vic, Faye, Alec, and me. Doing anything by committee is hard enough, but building a house on your in-laws property, which they ultimately own is even more hairy. The last few days we have been knee-deep in tile negotiations. After a lengthy review process though, I am happy to report that my bathroom is going to fucking rock! It will have a spa-like feel with 5/8 inch glass mosaic tiles from Walker Zanger. They are so pretty, they look like beach glass with the same matte finish. After "we" decided to use them I felt the kind of elation that was last felt when I finally got a pair of guess jeans in sixth grade.
We won't be in the new house by Thanksgiving as hoped. I mean we'll be in there, priming, painting, etc. But we won't be living there. Maybe we'll be in there by Christmas, but I don't think I've been THAT good this year.

Selfishness, Thy name is daycare

Tea with Bear
Originally uploaded by jegoffin.

I took Nora to Daycare today, at 8:20 am. She went on Monday at 11:00 and on Tuesday at 12:00. She isn't feeling all that great (a cold most likely contracted on Monday or Tuesday), so she isn't all that much fun to be around. Our normal morning routine is 7:00-8:00 Sesame Street, while I bathe and drink coffee while listening to NPR. 8:00-9:00 Breakfast and getting dressed. Around 9:00 we usually have something to do: visit a pre-school (Mon), go to playgroup (Tue), look at tile/doors/hardware/bathroom fixtures (Wed), or go to Trader Joe's (Thur), but today there was nothing on the agenda, except that I wanted to be alone to putter. So I packed up sniffles and hauled her off to daycare promptly at 8:15, without breakfast and with just enough Pedicare to get her through the morning. As soon as she saw where we were, she clung to my neck and pointed back towards the car. She cried when I left her and I felt pretty shitty. I've spent my Nora-free, guilty morning on the computer backing up all the photos onto a disk and picking up a little. It feels weird to be home alone.

Tea Time

Tea Time
Originally uploaded by jegoffin.

Nora loves to pretend to eat at her little table. She spends lots of time lunching with bear. So much time, in fact that I had to move her table closer to a TV, so that I could enjoy my day as well.
This week, Nora has gone to a daycare twice. I think she likes it, but I hate leaving her with a stranger and a strange bunch of kids. Also, she seems sick today. She has a runny nose. She is really good at blowing her nose but hasn't quite gotten the wiping part of that. The blowing part seems great when you are the one holding the tissue, wiping and throwing it away. However, it is less charming when she finds an old tissue in trash holds it up to her nose and blows for all she's worth. Then without the wiping she just has a face for of blown out snot, dripping and waiting, gross.

Not one of the pictures

Pumpkin Patch
Originally uploaded by jegoffin.

I uploaded twice. Maybe being a mom does make you stupider.

Back by Popular Demand

At Grandma's House
Originally uploaded by jegoffin.

Pictures of my offspring.
This is outside my Mom's house in Rice Lake.
Nora is not only cute as the dickens (or is it cute as a dickens? what dickens? one of Dicken's characters?) she is also one odd little ball. She pulls the covers completely over her head to sleep. When we come in her room to check on her, we don't know which end is up. Once we uncover her a bit we find a sweaty little baby who snores.
Nora is still giving the finger to daylight savings, primarily by waking up at 4:45 (yesterday) or 5:15 (today) and shrieking. Blurry-eyed, Alec and I end up in her room telling her it is too early and also that shrieking is so totally not okay. I even threatened a timeout this moring and it actually worked. So, now 6:15 feels like we're sleeping in.
As for the house. I have been in a PMS-related rage at the kitchen designer. It is not my finest hour/day/weeek. Once I calm down a bit I will give you all the boring details.

Fuck Daylight Savings

I am not a nice person before six am. I suppose it could be argued that I am not much of a nice person after six either. But, trust me when I say that I am unbearable before six. I think it goes back to my high school days when I worked at the pool. Everyone had to do an early bird shift once a week. The pool opened at 5:30am and there needed to be two lifeguards on duty. My personal belief is that if you want to swim laps at 5:30 in the morning you should be willing to drown. Especially, if it is January and 12 degrees. My entire week was built around the dread that my one shift per week generated. The entire night before I would be lamenting my fate. Need to open the doors at 5:30? I'd leave the house at 5:28, leave my bed at 5:27:30 and scrape the windshield at 5:29. Back in those days I welcomed FallBack, because it meant a slight reprieve from the Early Bird. But toddlers don't seem to understand the benefit of gaining an extra hour in the morning. Nora awoke at five fucking am and I just ignored her. Sure, I wasn't getting any sleep, but at least I wasn't giving in to her. At around 5:30, I finally relented and got up to make her a bottle and ask Alec if he intended to share in the wealth of an extra hour of Nora. While I slammed through the kitchen swearing and preparing her bottle, Alec went into her room. Surprise, she had reached into her shitty diaper and surprise wiped it all over her crib, sheet, blanket, and self. Fucking sweet.

We are NOT drywalling this week

Serves me right. I HAD to get all excited and proclaim the fact that drywalling was immenent. In fact the actual drywall is nowhere to be found, at least that is what the drywall guy says. I'm thinking, if this is your business, your career, wouldn't you make sure that you had drywall, or at least a source for it? Anyway, this entire week has gone by without a drywall srew being drilled, and I am heading home tomorrow and will not see any of the progress that I anticipated.

Meanwhile, here in Rice Lake, it's...well... very depressing. The houses are all these dismal little one story ranch houses. No character. And the big story this week is the opening of the Wal-Mart Super Center. The old Wal-Mart is now one more empty building. And the bookstore I worked at in High School closed down, because ya' know they sell books without the huge discounts. And the pool where I worked in High School has a big crack in it, so I guess it is closed for a while. Each time I come back here I remember why I was in such a hurry to leave. DEPRESSION. Even the beautiful fall colors and crisp days can do little to combat the desperation this town emotes. I suppose it goes without saying that I was a drama queen in high school too.

Seven Months Pregnant

I can barely remember what being seven months pregnant was like. But, I'm pretty sure that is about where we are with the house. You look ready to lay down and have that baby right where you are, but there are still 2 looong months ahead. Months filled with the hurried preparations of a new baby. Weeks when you think, "Let's have this baby already!" Similarly our house looks pretty well done, the changes are small and incremental. But can't it just be finished, seriously. We are in a mad rush of picking out carpet, appliances, cabinets, tile, EVERYTHING that goes into a new house. And we are doing it by committee, which can be very time consuming. Just like with Nora, there are things you have to buy, necessary, expensive things...crib, car seat, diapers and then there are those lovely little non-essentials that make having a baby worth it, clothes, shoes, toys, bedding. The house is the same way. Bathtubs must be bought, but what kind of fixtures are all a matter of taste (and budget). This state of expectation and excitement is dampered by the long weeks ahead, weeks of setbacks, rain, bloating, and constant peeing. And with my track record, seriously overdue!

Hopes and Dreams

I've been thinking lately about what I hope for Nora as she grows up. Do I hope that she finds her passion, of course. But, what are the ramifications of that. I mean wouldn't we all like to "pursue" our passions? But how does that pay the bills? I would love her to be a ballerina or a artist or a writer, but what if that means that she'll be broke and, and, not able to buy expensive handbags? Then again, what kind of parents wants their child to grow up to be a financial analyst, not the kind of parent I want to be. I mean what if being artsy means that she is living with us until she's in her thirties...that is just too awful to think about. I guess this is coming from me evaluating my own choices in life. There is nothing like a neighborhood meeting to really distill all your life choices down to their essence.
"So, what do you do then."
"Um, actually right now I work part-time at the university for benefits, but I have my master's in children's literature."
"Really, what kind of books do you write?"
"I don't write, but I have graded papers for the univeristy class on Children's Literature."
"Oh, so you teach."
"Ah, no. Just grade papers for the professor."
Meanwhile, the monthly payment for my student loans is due.

Rainy day

It is a lovely rainy day today. The kind that make you want to bake and drink cocoa, read a book, and curl up with a cat. The rain that is charming after months of sunshine. And the kind that is perfect for working in an office, listening to the Garden State soundtrack and looking out at the gray sky, which incidently is just what I am doing right now.
I can only have this attitude because I don't live in a studio with my only child sleeping in a room under the house. Instead I belong to that set of society that lives in more than one room, and has their children sleeping in a room down the hall where they can peek in at them at any moment.
The house is being insulated today. It might only take one day, but let's say it takes two, we'll still be starting drywalling this week. WE'LL BE STARTING DRYWALLING THIS WEEK!!!! After that is finished, we paint, put in flooring, order kitchen cabinets, get tiles, basically get to all the fun stuff. And see what this place is actually going to look like. It is just so fucking cool I'm speechless.

Trading Spaces

We live in the big house now. Vic and Faye are in the studio. They insisted, no really they did, and who are we to tell them that living in a coverted two car garage is not really all that much fun. I mean, sometime you just have to learn by doing, right? And during this learning curve Alec, Nora, and I might as well live in luxury. Okay, in all honesty we owe to Nora, what a little trooper. She choose just the right time to learn to climb out of her crib, scaring the bejeezus out of her grandma.
Here's how it played out:
We spent two nights and one day in the studio before they returned. The transistion was not going well for me, refer to earlier post. But, Alec had faith that in time it would be fine. Nora seemed bored with the small space of the studio, I believe I also commented on that fact in my lament. I expressed these feelings to Faye and she was sympathetic, but didn't really know what could be done. Then Nora woke up from her nap and Faye and I went down to get her. She was not in her crib. She was on top of the table that is next to her crib, fists full of toys and appearing to be returning to her crib. In other words we caught her at just the right moment. I'm not sure how long she'd been getting in and out of her crib, but the morning before, I had come in to find her sitting in a basket, tipped over and pinned to the side of the crib. I did wonder at the time how she managed to reach that basket as I was sure I had put it well out of range. But, that seemed like an insignificant question when what I was really wondering was how the hell she got herself sitting IN the basket, it was tiny.
(Personal References: Brandy: it was the basket that the Zingerman's stuff came in. Ali: It reminded me of the picture of Beave in the basket when she was a kitten.)
SO once we realized that Nora was getting out of her crib, it seemed like a natural progression that she would open the door and go roaming about the yard in the middle of the night, that is until she ran into a coyote. Faye was thus determined that we should move into the house and they would endevour to live in the studio, which anyway is much bigger than the Spanish pensionnes they had just been staying at. Like I said, who are we to dissaude them. We've been sleeping in the new digs for two nights now and I don't know about anyone else, but I think this is going to work out fine.

Trying to readjust

I don't want to go back to studio living. In fact, it may even be that I CAN'T go back. It s-u-c-k s, hard.
For one thing, we don't know how much longer the house will take 2 months, 3 months, more? It appears that it is anyone's guess. I just can't hold out over the rainy season again. Today, was our first full day back in the studio and Nora is not into it. It is far too small and boring to hold her attention and she threfore spends her energy on getting into everything that is off limits. That leads to battles of will, and crying and tearing of hair, mostly mine. So, what do we do?

Our only option is to stay in V&F's vacation rental. It too, is small, but at least there are different rooms, and a back yard, and close to downtown. I'm not sure how much rent they'd want. More than what we are paying now, no doubt. Plus if we are down there, it isn't as easy to work on the house (whenever that will happen) or for Faye to babysit Nora. But, the privacy and kitchen are strong draws for me.

I'm trying to stick it out, but at some point you just have to fold, right?