Me and Nora on the Road

Alec went on a well-deserved fishing trip this last weekend and rather than sit at home and think about how much extra work it is when there is only one parent. I took Nora on a road trip up to my sister's place in Big Sur. My motivation was partly due to the guilt I felt about going up there for the day with Alison and not telling anyone. But mostly I wanted help with Nora and as I've said before an 11 and 13 year old are the BEST companions for a two-year old. We had a pretty full weekend.

I took the day off on Friday, so we left at 11:00. It's about a four hour drive and she fell aspleep at about 12:00. She woke up not far from Big Sur at about 2:45 so it was a pretty easy drive, aside from the fact that I had to pee for about an hour and that I was starving but there was no way I was stopping while she was sleeping. Once we got to town, I called my friend Lori at Sierra Mar and although she was working I was told whe was out running errands, turns out I ran into her at the deli/post office. We met here about an hour later for a drink and some chips at the bar. It was so nice to catch up with her. Then I made plans to meet my friend Pam later that night. Then we headed over to my sister's and Nora enthusiastically played with her cousins while Steph and I made pizzas. Later, I went to Pam's and caught up with her while Nora was asleep.

On Saturday, we went for a nice walk at the park where my sister lives (Andrew Molera State Park) and saw the horses (please don't let Nora want a horse, please). Then we headed back for a nap (both Nora and I) and in the afternoon we again visited Pam and then met my nieces and brother in law at the Pool. Very fun. Except I had allergies all day and they got progressively worse as the day wore on. By 8 o'clock that evening I was absolutely ruined. The night was not much better. In the moring we had a late breakfast followed by a noon departure.

The drive back was great. Nora immediately took a nap and woke up about 2 and a half hours later when we stopped for lunch/dinner in San Luis Obispo. The last hour and a half were spent watching a pooh movie and singing songs till we arrived in the driveway at 5:30pm. On the whole a successful road trip.

Alec's trip was far better than ours, I assume. Mostly because he was without child. He says he missed us, which is sweet, but c'mon four days without your wife and two-year old daughter, that sounds like heaven itself. Add to that the fact that he was fishing and camping with all his good friends and I'm surprised he came home. He thanked me for letting him go and I naturally responded, "You deserved it and in another two and a half years you can go again."

7:23

I have been up for more than an hour already. We are halfway through Sesame Street already and I haven't accomplished half of what I need to this morning. Of course, there are some major impediments. We are out of milk, which means no coffee for me this moring. We have no orange juice. I think there is one slice of bread left (is it wrong to give the heel to your kid because they don't know any better?), there is no peanut butter. Take all of these things into consideration and basically I should just head back to bed, right? Ah, those were the days....
I need to decide if I would prefer to bathe or read gofugyourself. Then I need to decide what the hell we are going to have for breakfast. Could my life be anymore mundane?

Imagine my surprise

Nora with Bindy
Originally uploaded by jegoffin.

When I peered over the sofa to see what form of torture Nora was inflicting on Bindy and instead found the following scene.
This is another reason why I'm glad we got two kittens, Ruby would NEVER give Nora this kind of love. Bindy on the other hand often seeks Nora out, why? I'm not sure because once Nora has ahold of her she looks at me with a sort of desperation like, "Why does this always happen to me."
More exciting news: Nora is potty-trained! At least during her waking hours. It is pretty sweet, I'm looking forward to no diapers for at least six months.

Still feel the same, but now we are plotting

Okay, I'm over feeling desperate at our situation. It is time for a plan and if there's one thing I'm good at it's planning.

The facts:
We cannot afford to live in Santa Barbara if we don't live in our current house.
We can barely afford to live in Santa Barbara if we continue to live where we do.
Living where we are, we are not building any equity and cannot save a dime.
Nora is only getting more and more expensive (daycare, pre-schools, etc.).
I feel powerless over my situation and that is never a good feeling.
There don't seem to be many job opportunities for me and even Alec's job has it's limitations.

The solution:
Move. Somewhere cheaper and more family-friendly (by that I mean we can afford to have a family).
Where?
I love California but I wouldn't want to live here if we can live near the ocean.
Cold winters are no longer an option.
Somewhere bigger, with more job options (and colleges).

We are going to Portland, OR in the next month to scope it out...


SPOILER!

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I'm pregnant.

Break Down

This weekend I sort of had a breakdown. I realized that I don't think we can stay in Santa Barbara long-term. And if we can't stay here long-term, why stay short-term? What precipitated this realization? A bank account with about $95 in it and a week until payday. Faye asking for a portion of utilities for the past four months. Interviewing at a Montessori school that would be perfect for Nora if it weren't for the tuition, approximately $800-1200 a month (for only nine months). In short, we're not making it here financially and I don't really see how we will be able to in the future, because there aren't really all that many good jobs. I think the number one occupation here is trust fund recipient. Another issue I have is the lack of people like us. You see, with median home prices at 1.2 million dollars there aren't a lot of young families. Call me a snob, but, I don't want to be friends with anyone who can afford a million dollar two-bedroom house. So, now what? We've spent nearly two years in various shitty situations waiting to live in this house and now here we are and, and, AND?!!!

The other part of this is the fact that we live in the shadow of gratitude towards Victor and Faye 24/7. They have done a lot (and I mean a LOT) for us the past two years. And we are grateful, but we'll never be grateful enough, in my opinion. We are sort of at an impasse because we (I) feel like although they are renting the house to us at a substantial discount from the market value it is still more than what we can afford. So it is difficult to continue to feel appropriately grateful when we're still struggling to make ends meet. I've never been all that good at accepting assistance (especially monetary) because there are ALWAYS strings attached. I thought that to live here I would be willing to put up with it, but I find myself thinking, "Is this really worth it?" And once you ask that question once, it sort of starts to creep into your thoughts more and more and more. Until you are forced to answer the question and I'm on the road to "No, it isn't worth it." So, now what?

I swore I wouldn't

EVER allow Barney to be viewed in my house, or Teletubbies. Alas, my resolve has weakened and she is watching that Purple montrosity as I write this.
There are a lot of things you think you'll do or not do before you have children and reality of having them changes things. Everyone knows that having kids changes your life, this is not news. But the extent of the changes are something that you can only know by doing.

I've been trying to figure out why I haven't felt like writing much, at least not consistently. And I think it is because I can't really be honest anymore. Let me clarify: certain people know of this website and I dont feel I can discuss my real feelings without a dooce-like fallout. For instance, PRIVACY is a big deal thing for us right now. Specifics? Can't really get into it without worrying about what the consequences will be. So I am thinking about how to resolve this issue. In the meantime I will continue to comment on the weather.