Thinking about the Article

As promised, here are me thoughts about the Atlantic Article The Captivity of Marriage by Nora Johnson. Though I would probably change the title slightly to the Captivity of Motherhood.

The most startling part of this article is that it was written 45 years ago, yet it is still very apt. It largely addresses the feelings an educated young wife/mother faces in the institution of marriage and motherhood. If anything, the cult of motherhood has only become more strictly confining in the last 45 years as the culture has become more child-centered.

Johnson writes:

In spite of this full life, the old illusions of what life was supposed to hold, the restless remnants, the undefined dreams do not die as they were supposed to. Probably every educated wife has found herself staring at a mountain of dirty diapers and asking herself desperately, "Is this all there is?" And at the same time she is embarrassed by her dissatisfaction; she, of all people, with her intelligence and realistic view of life, should be able to rise above it. But the paradox is that it is she who is least able to. She lives for a better day. Things will be easier when this baby is born, or that one toilet-trained, or the children are all in school; and she will have time to be pretty and intelligent and young again. The mistake is in thinking that everything is going to solve itself by magic. What our girl must do, as she stares at the diapers, is to accept some of the truths about marriage and motherhood that her education and society conspired to keep from her, and go on from there. And if she would appreciate what she has, she must do it now, not next year or five years from now.

Substitute the concrete duty of "washing dirty diapers" with the more current and abstract duty of "fostering self-esteem, creativity, and independence" and you get a sense of where we are these days.

It think that we all know raising children is hard work, but it isn't possible to really calculate the reality before-hand. Johnson also talks about, "The day the doctor confirms one's pregnancy is the day to start bracing oneself for the really hard work." I know this sounds like a downer y'all but in retrospect: Yep! She adds, "I cannot convince my unmarried friends of this, but, of course, that is as it should be, or many babies might never be born." But when you say hard work, it isn't strong enough, it is a hard life, but one that has benefits too. Because anything that is worth having is worth working hard for and children are no different. For me, the emotional challenges having a child creates is an opportunity for tremendous self-reflection. Because you have a little mirror who is a walking/talking reflection of you.

Johnson speaks to these emotions as "deeper and more staggering than any experience before marriage." I have to agree. The feeling of "wanting to murder one's child and really feeling capable of it, and the next moment dissolving into the deepest love and repentance." These are emotions that I do feel and I am sure that many other mothers feel it too. Why then is no one talking about this? Is it because admitting to these feelings makes you a Bad Mother, the worst insult that can be lodged against one these days? Or is it something else. Talk to mothers whose children are grown and many of them admit to "losing it" feeling. I wonder if it is because with distance come greater understanding. And being in the trenches of childrearing, it is nearly impossible to cop to feelings of absolute uncontrollability. This feeling of not being in control goes both ways, because the amount of love that you feel is just as over-powering. Yesterday, I was in the other room, when I heard Nora singing along to the ABC song on Sesame Street, it was the sweetest thing and it brought a rush of tears to my eyes. So, captivity, yes. Prison, no.